Coles Notes

Well, again..if I can assist in any way just PM me and I will pass on my cell number. This ole Chief still has the ability to take the point if necessary and unlike our legal team my assistance is at no charge.. Ha ha..

Thanks RCN in tinybubbles. Glad to know I'm not alone in this war. Some days I feel that I'm actually losing my mind. I'm scared that eventually I will and won't know it.

This so hits home, Canadian. I deal with this all the the time with my husband. I go to all his appointments with him. It helps me understand a lot more. My children have seen and dealt with their dad's outbursts (for lack of a better word) . When he has one of his outbursts I just let him vent because I know it is not him but the demons he has to deal with.
I have to say one thing that helped my husband greatly . That was him becoming a grandfather about 6 years ago . Those 2 boys gives him a more happy and positive outlook when he sees them

Canadian, your story is like so many. When I read your post it reminded me so much of what I put my family through. Having ones children and spouse afraid of you is something that must people cannot understand. I feel your pain and can only say that overtime things do get better. I was diagnosed in 1995 with PTSD and Major Depression and was released in 2001, my temper at work seemed controlled but around home it was hell for my family. Not sure if your wife goes to therapy with you from time to time but mine did and that was so beneficial in helping me come to grips with my anger. Nearly 20 years later and I still get angry and times far to easy but my family has been there for me. One thing that really helped was my children and I made a code word when I began venting on them "dad I am trying my best" was and continues to be all it takes to bring me out of my fits. I have thought many times that my family would be better without me BUT know this, it is not true. Our families are so much better off with us here and working together, I have witnessed first hand the guilt that children and spouses face when one chooses to end their life. Our families are far better off with us being here and even though at times there are some not to pleasant tirades the good times far exceed the dark times. This disease can happen to anyone, if you at anytime day or night need someone to talk to PM me and I will give you my cell number. Together we are stronger. Hang in there and trust me when I say as one that has been where you seem to be, things do get better!

That is what I had to deal with for nearly 15 years. I would see an different Dr or psychologist every 6 months to 2years. Continuity of care was non existent and made my issues worse. Now you get to see people who received a degree from university while I got mine from the school of hard Knox. Book smart vs life smarts. We need vets to get their doctorate in psychology. Not officers. People who spent time in the mud and had to carry on shit jobs.

Thanks Sparrow. The worse I think was trying to discuss mental health problems that are unique to being a soldier with a specialist who has absolutely no clue what it's like to be a soldier. Hence the reason I mentioned it sometimes takes a few shots before finding someone whom you're comfortable with.

I remember telling my wife how much I despised seeing a new therapist because I'd have to start all over from scratch and I could just tell from their body language that they either thought i was embellishing my experiences or that they didn't know what to say.

Bolt, Rags, I am glad that Canadianinfidel and others are able to receive support and advice from fellow comrades such as yourselves who are and have gone through what he is going through. Sometimes that is all that is needed is to know you are not alone and someone is there to talk to.
sparrow

I agree with Rags, music heals big time! Personally when I'm in a "funk" (the term I use when PTSD rears its ugly head and takes a bite out of my ass) I'll listen to some Stevie Ray Vaughan and/or some Bob Marley. Works every time.

I'm starting to be able to recognize the symptoms before they start. Some days all seems to be going well then all of a sudden, I have this big dark cloud of guilt or impending doom that seems to hover above my head. It doesn't take much to set me off when that cloud is hovering that's for sure!

I had to sell my Harley last summer because I found that when I was going into a funk, if I happened to be on the bike, I would ride it really aggressively and didn't care about anything. Then I'd start thinking about my boys and my wife and would slow it down knowing that my actions would affect them the rest of their lives if I wiped out. So with that, I said fuck it, just as well get rid of it until I have a better grasp of my symptoms. Then again, I have a shitty back so that didn't really help much to be on a bike either.

Believe it or not, I find going to the range is a great stress reliever. Of course if I'm in a full blown funk I won't go anywhere near my firearms.

Remember, SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM! Anyone who says they've never thought about suicide is either lying or in denial.

You should also know that it can take at least 2 or 3 or even 4 shrinks or psychologists before you find one you're at ease with. I'm lucky now because my shrink is awesome! Never give up on psych help because you will find one that is going to be cool and helpful.

I always tell people I think I'm great at helping other people but I suck when it comes to helping myself out.

All this to say that in time, you will feel better. It's a slow process BUT you've already started it right here and right now upon your first post to this topic. I don't have all the answers that's for sure, but I can so relate to your situation because I've been there many times.

I also found the worse triggers for me was to speak to old "Army Buddies" because afterwards I'd sit and mull over the fact they're still doing something and here I am doing SFA. I slowly cut off my contacts with what I figured were good solid buddies when I realized none of them, well most of them really, weren't really good buddies as I thought they were, because it seemed I was the only one reaching out to make an effort to shoot the shit with them. It almost seemed that more often than not, once I was out of the CF, these buddies had no time for me anymore. I've asked the same thing with others who have PTSD and they also said the exact same thing that they thought they had great buddies in the CF but once they were out, it was as if they were nobody.

I'll send you my contact info via PM in case you ever want to shoot the shit.

Wow, that was a long post by me! My meds must've kicked in.

Well said Rags and wonderful advice.

Find a place and activity that sooths you. Mind relaxing music It may sound foolish but it works to find the inner spirit in silence of your mind.

I suggest you find some Enya or some soft keltic. its the strings in the music that soften the mind. Put it on your MP3 ear phones in go to a river or lake or ocean sit by the shore and just mellow clear your mind let the music sooth you. Learn to do a little Thai Che. Deep breath. If no water go to the woods and stroll. Do this every day as a mental exercise.

On a calendar mark the days you are up down stressed or blow a fuse. After about 3 to 6 months you will see a pattern. In future ensure you book nothing to do on those days you see the pattern occur. On those days book time away to the woods or lake or ocean beach and go do Thai Che or breathing exercises with music.

Music is important.....it may appear corny to you the music I suggest but it is proven to work the mind and thats the key. There is science to a PTSD mind about parts of brain shut down and not working and you need to rework those areas by building or exercising nero pathways long gone or not used.

They can easily prove PTSD by a simple Cat scan of the brain. It shows large areas of the person that are black....no electrical traffic at all. You need to work those areas or build new nero pathways to work around them or through them. We also need to ensure we lubricate the ends of the synaptic nerve endings so electrical impulses will cross easily. Serotonin is the natural chemical in the brain that lubricates the nerve endings. We take serotonin up take inhibitors to stop the brain from dumping it out of body...into the gut thats why we have bad guts when we are having issues. This is due to massive amounts of serotonin being dumped out of body. We take the drugs to over dose the serotonin levels in the brain and inhibitors to stop brain from dumping it.

Trust me this works...work the program it is your next mission. Bring the dogs as they sooth you.

That is what is so powerful in our healing, reaching out and discovering that you are not alone, that we understand as soldiers, spouses and parents. We did everything right as soldiers in our careers. There should be no shame in seeking support in whatever why is right for you and your loved ones.
Take care of yourself.
Sparrow

Thanks Sparrow,
And thank you boltaction and rags, your words inspire me. I in return would love to help a fellow brother and sister in any means.
Those who are looking for an outlet or comfort in your darkest times, I suggest adopting a dog. They are so loyal and have unconditional love for you. The sense when you need care. I have two dogs. Both follow me everywhere. They are my best friends. They approach me and jump on my lap when I begin to feel overwhelmed. Simply by petting them, relaxes me.

Canadian, there is always hope in a family unit. Your family needs your presence in their lives and they will always love you unconditionally. If you are able to, reach out and talk with people or professionals who are of like mind or who can provide support to you and your family so that they can take some of the burdens off your shoulders and let others carry them for you for awhile so that you can regain your strength as a family and as an individual.
Sparrow

I have so been there Brother! I would question my existence as a father when I couldn't even teach them to throw and catch a football.

It does get better...it really does! The best thing you did was walked away. I have done the same in that I freaked in front of my kids and use every curse word known to man when I would lose my cool...not at the boys (15-18 now) but just at VAC, DND, VRAB, Media, etc.

It would've been easy to reach for the bottle or drugs but I stayed away from them and stuck with what was prescribed. I always said if it weren't for my wife and kids, I'd either be dead or locked up and that's a fact!

All of you, a sincere thanks. You have given me a voice which has been silent for so many years.
It feels liberating to share my plight with you all.
It feels like I'm treading water. I'm trying desperately to keep my head up, to breath. But I have weights tied to my feet, and I feel so tired. I'm not sure how long I can sustain this. A few weeks ago, my two boys, 10 and 12, were playing army like all boys do. But I over heard something that shattered me so deep, it brought tears for the first time in over a decade. I overheard my eldest saying "I'm going to be dad, and you can be Rambo ." to my youngest. "So call me MCpl...." If only he knew the pain and suffering I had to endure in silence over the years. Then the other night my youngest approached me and asked how come they never see me cry? And if it was ok for boys to cry? I answered, yes, it's definitely ok to cry. I had to change the subject because I did not know how to explain to him why I don't cry. At times I get sooo frustrated with my issues and stress, that I blow up. My boys have seen me like this. As a matter of fact, just last night, I blew up towards the whole family. My youngest began to cry. I got up and left the table, swearing about everything. I went to my basement to cool down when my wife came down to see me. She asked if I wanted to know what my youngest said as I left the table. I said sure. She said "10 has told me that he is scared of you. He said " Sorry mom that I did not stand up for you that because i'm is too small." I'm a monster and it breaks me even more knowing that my own children has to witness my battles with myself.
Some days I feel the only way to get my point across to the government, VAC and SISIP, would be to do something drastic. Some of us have, by having hunger strikes in front of VAC HQ, or driving their vehicles into government buildings and so on.....is this what I must do?
Don't worry, no plans as such for me right now. At the end of the day, all I have is my family, and I'm managing to fuck this up too.