Coles Notes

Buddy, your not alone, our experiences are with you

Ok buddy should be on time dropping off the boy

Roger, sounds good.

Friday morning 0830 on the shore with a Timmies in hand jumper if too early inform the DZ Shack

Good luck with trip to the Big O. Stay strong.

Bolt, Rags, Peep,RCN, Tinybubbles and everyone else. It has truly been my honor to have met you all. Your motivation, and similar battles push me through the darkest of times. Thank you.

Thank you for such strong words Robbie. I'm left speechless. Coffee will be due soon. I have to get my mental ass kicked and handed to me Thursday morning. Early drive to Ottawa (0530). Then I see my VAC councilor. Maybe Friday? Text me if its good for you.

Ok everybody I have to give a huge shout out to my jumping pioneer TUA God CanadianInfidel, never ever think for one moment your emotions or revelations are baseless and project nothing shy of perpetual resentment in fact CanadianInfidel they only recognize a mere morsel of your ability to regain your full identity. Your identity is the camouflage armour that “once” allowed you freedom of choice, voice, perspective and command. In this ideal “Identity” suit you and I both communicated everything unreal and even illogical because we had a system that allowed instinct through repetitive training to command our troops in the heat of battle, competition or everyday garrison life as soldiers. Because we developed individual leadership strategies we didn’t dwell on life outside of the military, we all thought the same, “what do these stupid mother fuckers know about me”. Everything you said in that post is a mirror image of a vast majority of NCO’s in the Infantry (031) world. I cannot and will not speak for the remaining CBT Arms Elements as you bastards (obviously joking) have your own set of “eat em up and spit em out” history. But I have learned very valuable insight into my very own struggles and like yours, they are so similar with one exception I chose to stop wearing that fucking camouflage and present it like it is. That does not mean that I am superior nor it does mean I am more delusional either all it means is I own my past and not even a healthy soldier can strip away my place in history. Please be not insulted CanadianInfidel as you will find a path that is far from lonely, far from reality, and far from a phone number away. I can wear a uniform today and it will not hide what others see in me in fact why should it? If someone wants to confront me about why I quit the army and crawled away in the fetal position they my answer becomes very real. “Take a look at that file of soldiers on parade, now point out any two at random and now you see why I “crawled away in the fetal position”. Now you go ask them why they are alive. If that sounds imprudent to some of you then you will have a hard time dealing with PTSD. I live by a code and I honoured that code in both life as a man and a soldier,
The emotional battles of a soldier are beset by a mere alliance to those known only as “The Chain of Command.” Trust and belief in yourself as a man will be your biggest battle. Ultimately those that command themselves with honour and fear will triumph before and after the battle.
(SG Robinson circa 2003)
When I could no longer lead my soldiers with positive unity and motivated admiration I chose to become another type of hero, not a coward but a man. I saved 30 plus lives by asking for help. Self-sacrifice and eventually a place in a soldier’s life who will never know I saved his life. Now like many before me and after me I have to own the sacrifice and CanadianInfidel you have to realize I honour your sacrifice and I thank you for being a man. Your kids will always love the hero inside, you just got to show them the man outside.
PS, still waiting for that coffee run prick lol

I was on SPHL for over 2 years. I think I broke the record lol

Canadian Infidel

You are doing ok just remember it takes about 10 years to even master the fact that you have PTSD. You must stay the course work hard at your recovery there is light at the end of the tunnel.....I know I have been there. This will be the hardest mission of your career the longest tour of duty you will do and cost you the most. You will survive it because you are a soldier! On the battle field men do not go forward under fire and certain death because of Flag, Duty or foolish notions like god. They only got you to the battle. When you go in and the bullets fly it is the guy next to you and the commitment to your brothers in arms that gives you that strength to move forward. You dont realize it was the right thing to do till your on the objective. Your family is your home front now and you must move forward and succed for them beside you now. When you are on the objective....and you will be, it just takes time......you will know it was the right thing to do.

You must take control of your own get better program. Use the doctors and all the help as tools you have to repair yourself but in the end you are the general directing this war with your well being. Read my post to you other page about seeking soothing time and activities. music, go to a relax place, do some type of breathing exercise Thai Che or Yoga something.
Read my over view of what PTSD is in the brain and with that mark a calendar of ups downs bad days good days. ensure you understand what is going on medically in your head so you can better direct the doctors what is working and what is not. Realize when your dumping Saratonan and when your uptake inhibitors are not working. This is your hardest mission one day you will be on the other end of a key board or phone giving same advise to another soldier 10 years from now.

My doc told me in no uncertain terms about PTSD patients that you will never be the same again....but you will find a way to work with it and minimize its effects on you. The only patients that get better and learn to survive this problem are the ones that work hard at it and dont sit back and let clinical staff just carry on with no work from you. She told me that if I worked on this as hard as I worked to win my fights in war i would come through this ok. SHE WAS RIGHT.

Well, again..if I can assist in any way just PM me and I will pass on my cell number. This ole Chief still has the ability to take the point if necessary and unlike our legal team my assistance is at no charge.. Ha ha..

Thanks RCN in tinybubbles. Glad to know I'm not alone in this war. Some days I feel that I'm actually losing my mind. I'm scared that eventually I will and won't know it.

This so hits home, Canadian. I deal with this all the the time with my husband. I go to all his appointments with him. It helps me understand a lot more. My children have seen and dealt with their dad's outbursts (for lack of a better word) . When he has one of his outbursts I just let him vent because I know it is not him but the demons he has to deal with.
I have to say one thing that helped my husband greatly . That was him becoming a grandfather about 6 years ago . Those 2 boys gives him a more happy and positive outlook when he sees them

Canadian, your story is like so many. When I read your post it reminded me so much of what I put my family through. Having ones children and spouse afraid of you is something that must people cannot understand. I feel your pain and can only say that overtime things do get better. I was diagnosed in 1995 with PTSD and Major Depression and was released in 2001, my temper at work seemed controlled but around home it was hell for my family. Not sure if your wife goes to therapy with you from time to time but mine did and that was so beneficial in helping me come to grips with my anger. Nearly 20 years later and I still get angry and times far to easy but my family has been there for me. One thing that really helped was my children and I made a code word when I began venting on them "dad I am trying my best" was and continues to be all it takes to bring me out of my fits. I have thought many times that my family would be better without me BUT know this, it is not true. Our families are so much better off with us here and working together, I have witnessed first hand the guilt that children and spouses face when one chooses to end their life. Our families are far better off with us being here and even though at times there are some not to pleasant tirades the good times far exceed the dark times. This disease can happen to anyone, if you at anytime day or night need someone to talk to PM me and I will give you my cell number. Together we are stronger. Hang in there and trust me when I say as one that has been where you seem to be, things do get better!

That is what I had to deal with for nearly 15 years. I would see an different Dr or psychologist every 6 months to 2years. Continuity of care was non existent and made my issues worse. Now you get to see people who received a degree from university while I got mine from the school of hard Knox. Book smart vs life smarts. We need vets to get their doctorate in psychology. Not officers. People who spent time in the mud and had to carry on shit jobs.