LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

One day while golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive (and very well endowed) and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

Are you okay, what's your name?"

"Its Phil and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.

"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons,

I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything.

By the way, where is she?"


"Under the cart,,,," I said . . .

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, ah, I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's John Deere farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day... " President Obama, the war is still on!
We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

God Bless Us All !

Canadian and Proud of it!!!

Drinking With A Texas Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a TEXAS girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously, impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In TEXAS, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called making love.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa,it isn't
called making love. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'

The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin NFLD to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a 50. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Canadian, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the rye whiskey,

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......

"What…..? You're coming empty handed?"
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Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'"?
_______________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
But all men... are men!
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The Shipwrecked Welshman

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

The Irish Lighter

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box,
he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a magic Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box

leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell?

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol
with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "Who in here has been messing with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs.Johnson,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. ..........We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Riddick, pinger those are awesome. Brought a good laugh from this old soldier. I like the last one pinger, it sort of reminds me of DVA, if you changed a few words..lol. I was never one in the military to tell a good joke. Some could pull great ones out of their -ss. The newf's in our Tp always seem to make us laugh, at or with them..VVV.. thanks guys..

If You Are Unhappy

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

                                             THE MORAL OF THE STORY

                 1.  Everyone who shytes on you is not necessarily your enemy.
                 2.  Everyone who gets you out of the shyte is not necessarily your friend.
                 3.  And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shyte, keep your mouth shut.

Ralph and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NL.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Charlie.

Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

"I feel great. How about you?"

Charlie says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Ralph says, "Nope, that jet fuel is great stuff; no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing.. Have you farted yet?"

"No...."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay........