LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Wait until I start eating marijuana brownies , I will be laughing all the time.

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

Tx for that link Brucey, it really made my day.

And ya... Readers Digest ain't what it used to be. Find the old copies though.

I've been feeling quite a bit of anxiety and restlessness the last couple days. So I decided to try and find some "Humour in Uniform" jokes like the kind that used to be found in Readers Digest. But, like so many things finding them in the Canadian context proved difficult.
However, I found a website with funny military pictures, including one with two Canadian soldiers in it. The rest are from a variety of countries.
I laughed my arse off, hope you all do too!

http://www.slightlywarped.com/crapfactory/curiosities/2010/humor_in_uniform.htm

Still laughing good one pinger

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A NEWFOUNDLAND  GIRL

The first man married a woman from  Southern Ontario .  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning..  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Quebec .  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Newfoundland-Labrador.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.


He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Apparently, this is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-friggin-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize; I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my friggin' address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last friggin' people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another friggin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the friggin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic friggin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN' PAKISTAN!!!

Some levity here...

The Pink Panther in "G.I. Pink"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXylX1V__08

Keep a sense of humour and stay well all

No wonder I bought a Betty Crocker loaf pan today.

We need humour but please take these ones with my
lame pre-meditated apologies...

The correct answer to all questions is "I have no excuse P.O."
Beards make you look cool.
Excessive drinking is penalized.
Infrequent drinking is penalized.
Rules are what you obey when people are looking.
The east coast vs. west coast debate will not be solved till either the west coast has an earthquake and sinks into the ocean or the east coast sobers up.
Even the French don't like the French.
Other people's incompetence is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
Really shiny shoes are required for my survival in a combat situation.
Really well ironed pants are required for my survival in a combat situation.
Having the back of my neck well shaved is required for my survival in a combat situation.
Clean underwear is not required. Ever.
The unusually large size of the turd in the heads is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
Leading Seamen don't outrank shit.
Grown adults are not mature enough and for their own protection need to be told to not run with scissors.
Grown adults cannot be trusted to not burn off their testicles with hot equipment and need to be constantly supervised.
Not getting off early enough for an afternoon nap is an acceptable complaint.
All naval traditions are vaguely gay.
The following sentence makes perfect sense to a navy man; "The Master Seaman went to the poop deck to watch the Rear Admiral swallow the anchor and drink moose milk."
Retiring is called "swallowing the anchor."
Floors are called decks.
Walls are called bulkheads.
Toilets are called heads.
Dessert is called duff.
Hallways are called flats.
A boat can fit on a ship. A ship can not fit on a boat.
Don't touch the floor in the showers.
Don't touch the walls in the showers.
Don't touch the hand railings, anywhere.
On Friday I will be having fish for lunch , seven years from now.
Vegetables are not a food group.
Moose milk is a food group.
Failure to tie your shoes is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
Failure to wear your headdress outdoors is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
Complaining about the ass-raping is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
All sailors swear like sailors.
The skanky nature of the women you have slept with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
The skanky nature of the woman you are sleeping with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
The skanky nature of the woman you are trying to sleep with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
The law of diminishing returns does not apply to revenue driven military operations such as the galley on base.
Decreasing quality and increasing prices thereby decreasing the customer base is an effective way for the galley to make more money.
A promotion to the rank of P.O. comes with a fair bit of weight. Usually about 120 pounds.>
The word navy is an acronym that stands for Never Again Volunteer Yourself.

" THE NEWLYWEDS "

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?’

The husband says, ‘What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?’

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, ‘Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?’

He says: ‘What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?’

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.

The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, ‘Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?’

He says, ‘What do I look like, Bob Vila?’

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

‘Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,’ she says.

‘Great! How much is that going to cost me?’ he snarls.

Wife says: ‘Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.’

‘Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?’ asks the husband.

‘What do I look like,’ she says, ‘Betty Crocker?’

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

One more......

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

Ha Ha Ha

A Canadian is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Trudeau Liberals balance the budget and eliminate the debt."

"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

John Oliver enlists Mike Myers, a beaver, and a moose to give voters some advice here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V5ckcTSYu8